24/2/14

'We must have the stubbornness to accept our gladness in the ruthless furnace of this world' - Jack Gilbert

12/2/14

When Philip Seymour Hoffman passed away on the 2nd of February 2014, many people were quick to respond with their deepest condolences to his family and friends, mourning the loss of a supremely talented actor, arguably one of the best of his time.  Fewer people took this grief and blasted it, stating that 'sad isn't the word I'd use to describe a man throwing his life away to drugs.  Senseless is more like it.  Stupid.'  In case you're wondering, that was Jared Padalecki's original tweet regarding Hoffman's death, which has now been deleted.  The tweets above are his cringeworthy attempts to backtrack.

Yes, Philip Seymour Hoffman died of a drug overdose.  Yes, he was a drug addict.  But his critics are forgetting something very important - above all else, he was a human being.

Addicts aren't always the dirty, flea-ridden homeless people you try to avoid eye contact with.  Most of the time, they get up early, drive to work, have lunch and go to sleep at night.  It doesn't matter if you're white, yellow, gay, straight.  This disease has no reason to discriminate, and neither do you.

There is always a reason behind the way we act and the things we do.  An elegant backstory that adds a layer of complexity to our one-dimensional character, if you will.  For instance, I now use the word 'cheers' because my friend kept using it.  Or, on a darker note, I make sure to text one of my friends on a daily basis asking her about her day because I don't want her in hospital again.  The point remains: we do not do something simply for the sake of doing it.  Humans aren't that simple.

In a story I wrote, my main character was a 19 year old drug addict.  To try and maintain authenticity, I pored over dozens of research articles and scientific papers about addiction.  But it was a couple of Reddit AMAs by recovering addicts that truly touched me.  They were raw, heartbreaking and completely honest about the struggle to recover, with many detailing various relapses ('It's hard to get clean, and even harder to stay clean') in which they were basically abandoned by everyone in their lives.  It was like a good movie - imagining losing everything I ever cared about made me cry and begin to sympathise with the addicts who had shared their stories.  Then I read the responses to why they started using.

Being sad is one thing, but being sad for prolonged periods of time without ever feeling that it might get better?  That's depression.  I won't be so presumptuous as to diagnose myself with it, but there have been days that seem worse than others.  And I'm certain I'm not the only one.  Feelings of self-hate and hopelessness aren't unique to any individual; it's both physical and psychological accessibility to something like drugs or alcohol that creates addiction.  Reading the painfully accurate descriptions of how they 'woke up everyday wishing they hadn't' made me feel like I was watching a great movie, one where I could understand them, their struggles, their sadness, their stories.  That's something I think everyone should try to realise - that we're all fucked up in one way or another, and that we're all just trying to get through the day.  It's just that some people are more broken than others.

There's this scene near the end of Edgar Wright's 'The World's End' (2013) where Andy furiously asks Gary why it's so important to him that they complete the Golden Mile (a pub crawl that their group of friends nearly completed in their teens).  In a moment of complete honesty, Gary abandons all his bravado and replies: 'Because it's all I have left.'

It's okay to feel worthless.  I assure you that right now, there's someone feeling the exact same way.  But more importantly, I assure you that you are worth something in someone's life.  It may be hard to get over your self-loathing, but know that you can be happy again once you realise there's a reason why people love you (hint: it's because you are far better than who you make yourself out to be).

Philip Seymour Hoffman was a great many things - Academy Award winning actor, director, father, partner, etc.  But at the end of the day, he was just one of us.  His death was not 'senseless' because he died of a drug overdose.  For those who know what it's like to feel numb all the time, his death reminds us of the desire to be happy, to feel a high again.  It's a tragedy, for fans who connected with the characters he played, and for those closest to him, who knew him and loved him.  But it's also a tragedy for addicts, who are now being told by people like Jared Padalecki that their addiction is not a disease.  It shames them into hiding their addiction when the matter should be made more transparent, with addicts being treated more compassionately.

After all, we're all the same, aren't we?